CHAPTER 23
The house felt empty after Kevin had gone. And large. Farah walked about, looking at the spacious rooms, the well-kept lawn, the patio and pool, and felt overwhelmed. I shouldn't be spending so much time out here, she thought. It's isolated from everything. Then she noticed the strangeness of her thought, for these were the qualities she had always liked about the place. Correction, she thought, those were the things Donna had liked. But she was Farah now. The blood coursing through her veins was a young girl's blood.
She ran to a mirror to see if she had changed outside. But, no, that transformation had already been made. It was her thought patterns that had now made the transformation, enabling her to think and feel as young as she looked. All it took was a boy she could respond to, she told her unchanged reflection in the glass. A spirit of exultation filled her. She wished she could tell someone about it; joy such as this should be shared.
But there was no one she could confide in, so she did what she often did in times of strong emotion: she went for a drive. She loved to drive the California highways. Often in the past she had done so when the problems of life overwhelmed her. Now she drove as a release for her excitement.
At sixteen she had been taught to drive by her brother, but hadn't had much opportunity to test her skills until she got a job and mortgaged her future (or so it seemed at the time) to buy a car of her own. She found it to be a passport to a freedom she had never known before.
It took skill and finesse to drive in California. Farah always thought of it as a game, resembling chess, with moves and counter-moves like on a chess board. She was very adept at the game, probably because she took such delight in it. Her driving instincts became so finely honed that, no matter her preoccupation, one corner of her mind was always alert to make the right moves at the right time. Freeways appeared as Los Angeles grew and spread, and she took to them at once.
Now as she drove in the fast lane of the nearest freeway she reviewed what had happened to her this day. Her toes curled at the remembrance of her meeting with Kevin and their electrifying attraction for each other. Her response certainly hadn't been that of a middle-aged woman. This was what all her soul-searching of the previous weeks had been preparing her for. It had been happening last night when she thought of Noel as old. She wished Jason could know. He had said it would happen and he had been right. Perhaps he had also been right in his belief that what they had done would some day benefit others.
The day was hot, but the warmth she felt didn't come from the weather. Little fingers of delight ran up and down her spine when she thought of Kevin. He was so much like Noel. It almost seemed as if Noel, too, had been rejuvenated.
It was bad luck that Kevin was his son. Her relationship with Noel ruled out any possibility of anything developing between them. She probably would never see him again anyway, she thought with a great sense of loss.
She would have to break with Noel now. Of course she could not tell him why. He would be hurt, for she knew he loved her. How could she hurt him further by falling in love with his son? She sighed. This metamorphosis had brought new problems and almost certain heartaches.
Presently she noticed an increase in the traffic on the incoming lanes and reminded herself that this was Sunday. On Sundays the weekenders jammed the freeways on their way back from the mountains, the beaches and lakes, Baja, Palm Springs, Las Vegas and the like. In a short time the traffic would be bumper to bumper, and she wanted no part of that. She quickly exited the freeway and reentered on the inbound ramp. Nearing home, she got off the freeway and found a drive-in. Tonight she wasn't in the mood to do any cooking.
Should she spend the night at the apartment, she wondered, but discarded that idea, telling herself she could be reached easier at the house. She didn't ask herself by whom. She drove up the canyon through the clear light of early evening, the breeze freshening as she went. The phone was ringing as she let herself in, and she rushed to answer. When Noel responded she realized how great had been her hope that it would be Kevin.
"Where were you?" Noel asked.
"Just driving around. The house seemed so empty. had to get out."
"I wish I was there with you. It's hot as blazes here, and I hate having to sleep under air conditioning all night."
She thought this an unromantic reason for wishing to be with her, but all she said was, "How was your trip?"
"Okay. I'm already hard at work. These guys mean business."
"Try to get some rest. You've been working too hard." Her feelings for him might have altered but she still cared about him.
"As soon as I get this job sewed up," Noel said, "let's go somewhere together for a couple of weeks."
"You're going to take a vacation? A work horse like you?"
He laughed. "I'll be able to turn the work over to the boys in the office when I get back. Be thinking about where you'd like to go."
"We'll talk about it," she said evasively.
"Well, it's late here and I have to get up early tomorrow so I'd better go to bed. If I'm lucky I'll see you in my dreams."
"I'll look for you in mine," she told him. "Good night, Noel."
"Good night, Farah. I love you."
She hung up without telling him she loved him. Kicking off her shoes she went outside, stripped off her clothes, and plunged into the pool. The water felt cool and refreshing against her bare skin. Making her mind blank, she swam until exhausted. Then she went inside, showered, and got into bed, physically and emotionally spent. Almost immediately she dropped into sleep. She dreamed of Noel, and woke with a feeling of guilt.
She would put herself to a test. At the dance studio where she was due thid morning there were some attractive young men. If she responded to them as she had to Kevin, she would know that what happened between her and Kevin was only a reaction brought about by the change in her. But although she found herself looking at them in a new light, none evoked in her the response that Kevin had.
The change must have shown in her dancing, for Max sought her out at the end of the session. "You were marvelous today, darling. You had real pizzazz." He put his arm around her and kissed her cheek. She hugged him, feeling a need for human contact.
This surprised him. "You stay with old Max and I'll make a star of you," he told her.
She didn't want to leave. She stood around chatting for awhile, hoping someone would suggest lunch; but they all had things to do, and soon everyone had gone away on their private business.
Kevin was sitting on her doorstep when she got home, chewing on a blade of grass. She got out of the car and went toward him uncertainly, wondering how to handle this. She mustn't let him see how much the sight of him excited her.
"Hello, Kevin," she said. "The bad penny returns."
That look was in his eyes again, but his tone was casual. "Hi, Farah. Have you got anything to eat? I've been waiting on your doorstep for hours, and I'm starving."
"You shouldn't be here," she told him, trying not to smile, "but I guess I can't turn a hungry man from my door."
"I knew you had a heart of gold." He rose and followed her inside.
"I can't offer you anything fancy on such short notice. I do have a frozen pizza I can pop in the oven. Can you wait that long without danger to your life?"
"I'll make the effort."
She busied herself with the pizza, adding more cheese and olives, and placed it in the oven. She bustled about, trying to avoid his eyes so he couldn't see how happy she was to see him. He chatted away and she answered in monosyllables until the pizza was ready.
"Let's eat on the patio," she said. "Would you like something to drink?"
"A glass of milk would be fine."
The way he dug into the pizza proved he wasn't exaggerating his hunger. Farah could hardly touch hers. All kinds of emotions chased each other through her mind: anxiety that he would see how his presence affected her; dismay when she thought of Noel; determination not to let herself get involved; but most of all, just pure delight at being with him.
As he finished, Kevin said, "Tell me about yourself, Farah."
So she told him about the other Farah's life. The more she told it the more it seemed that she had really experienced all those things, as a congenital liar in time has trouble distinguishing between what is real and what is imagination.
The story fascinated Kevin. "Wow," he said, "it's just like a movie."
"How about you? I understand you're studying law."
"Yes. I tried to get into Harvard but couldn't make it. Their quota was filled before they got to me."
"Do you live at home?"
"I live in an apartment with another student. He works part time and is gone most evenings, so I'm alone to concentrate on my homework." He grinned. "Lots of homework. It's tough going."
"You're lucky you don't have to work part time, too."
"My grandfather left money for my education. He was a great old guy." He smiled at Farah with such a warm and charming smile that the color rose in her cheeks. "Now let's talk about us," he said.
The joy went out of her. "There is no 'us'. I told you that yesterday."
"Have a heart, Farah. You told me you didn't love him any more."
"I didn't say that." She rose and started clearing the table. "There can be nothing between us, Kevin. It wouldn't be proper."
"But I'm in love with you. I've never been in love before, and the minute I saw you I knew you were the one."
"I don't believe in love at first sight."
He strode across to her and took her by the shoulders. "Look at me, Farah. Look me in the eyes and tell me you didn't feel the same thing I did yesterday."
She tried to release herself but his grip was firm. "It's only because you look so much like him. I don't know what you're like. You don't know what I'm like. We can't break Noel's heart and then discover we don't even like each other."
"I know what you're like. Just give yourself a chance to know me. If what we feel for each other is real, we shouldn't throw it away. Don't you agree?"
"I don't know. I'm so mixed up. I feel guilty even talking to you."
He took the dishes from her hands. "I'll help you tidy up."
After clearing the table and getting the dishes in the dishwasher, Kevin said, "I'll go now. I don't want to pressure you into something against your principles. You think about it, and when I come back tomorrow you can tell me what you've decided." He grinned. "If you haven't decided by tomorrow, I'll be glad to come every day until you do."
She wondered how she could resist him at all. "I'll think about it," she promised.
He touched her cheek. "I'm a patient man." He walked away from her and let himself out. The house felt deserted after he left.
During a sleepless night, Farah decided she would do as Kevin asked: She would give herself a chance to know him. It might turn out to be a passing fancy. As a schoolgirl she had had "crushes" which had passed as quickly as they came. Now that she was again a teenager in spirit, this might be just another such crush. If not, well, she hadn't been given another chance at life just to throw it away.
How could she tell Noel it was over between them? It had to be done, but she dreaded it. He had vacillated until it was too late. Perhaps there never would have been any future for them, anyway. He was too tied up with business and his family.
When she told Kevin what she had decided he started to take her in his arms, but she held him off. "We're just going to get to know each other. No intimacy of any kind, not even touching."
"That's cruel and inhumane." He looked at her with reproach. "But if those are the rules, I'll try to abide by them."
"If it turns out this is for real," she said, "we'll tell Noel. Until then, it's hands off."
"Okay, okay, I accept on any terms. Where would you like to go today?"
She laughed with pleasure. All at once she wanted activity, she wanted to dance, to play, to be with young people. Kevin had a host of friends with little on their minds except having fun. Farah was welcomed into their midst enthusiastically. In the days that followed they partied, they danced, they just "hung out" together, and Farah felt completely at ease with them.
Kevin wooed her in the old fashioned way. He brought her flowers and books and took her to a concert and a play. They spent long hours talking about their hopes and dreams, and found they really liked each other. He kept his word about not touching her, and she was grateful to him.
Noel called nightly. She wasn't always at home when he called, and he complained that he could never find her there any more. "What's going on?" he asked. "Where are you to all hours of the night?"
"I can't just sit here alone while you're away." A feeling of guilt made her tone sharp.
This had the immediate effect of transferring the guilt to Noel. Am I really that devious? she asked herself happily. Her good humor restored, she explained that she had met some new friends and had been going out with them.
"I hope I'm not being replaced." He sounded suspicious. He was not altogether unaware that she was being evasive.
"I'll tell you all about it when I see you." Her tone was cheerful but his remark had sobered her. She changed the subject. "Is your mission almost accomplished? You've been gone a long time."
"Longer than I expected. I was hoping to be home by now. But another few days should wind it up."
"There are things I have to tell you." She really ought to prepare him, she thought.
"Like what?" he asked.
"They'll have to wait until I see you. Let me know when to expect you."
"Okay. I've gotta go now. I hope you're missing me as much as I'm missing you."
She winced. She didn't like herself much for what she was doing to him. What can I say to him? she wondered. Finally, she hedged. "Good night, Noel. I'll be glad when you're home. Sweet dreams."
She hung up slowly. The day of reckoning was drawing near.
Morning brought a happy surprise. Answering the doorbell, Farah found Hack standing outside.
"Hi, Princess," he said. "Have you got a kiss of welcome for an old friend?"
"Hack!" She hugged him and he gave her a hard, quick kiss. "Oh, Hack, I'm so glad to see you. What are you doing home?"
"It's progress report time, I suspect. I've been called back for a few days. How've you been?"
"Come in, come in. We've got a lot of catching up to do."
"I wasn't sure you'd still be hanging around this old mausoleum. For all I knew, you could have found your prince and got married." He looked at her quizzically. "Have you found him? Your prince, I mean."
"Maybe," she said. "At least I've been seeing someone."
"Lucky guy." She knew how he felt about her, but he answered lightly.
She changed the subject. "Tell me about Zhad and your work."
So he regaled her with stories about his successes and failures, the customs and habits of the people, and the gossip about the royal family, interspersing it all with his usual droll remarks. It's good to have him back, she thought. I didn't know how much I missed him. Finally he said he had to go, he had an appointment.
"Come to dinner tonight," she urged. "I want you and Kevin to meet."
Promising to be back for dinner, he went away to keep his appointment. Farah thought again how lucky she was to have him for a friend.
During preparations for dinner she told Kevin about Hack.
"How old is this guy?" Kevin asked, leaning against the kitchen counter drinking a soda.
"About thirty-five. Why?"
"You do have a thing for older men, don't you?"
"Not any more." She had long ago made her decision but waited to tell him when she knew Noel would soon be home.
Kevin's head swiveled sharply to look at her. An expression of hope spread over his face. "Are you trying to tell me something?"
She dried her hands, her eyes downcast. Then she raised them to his, and he saw in her face the answer he had been waiting for. His hand automatically set the coke bottle down, and then she was in his arms.
"I love you," she whispered. Their lips met and clung in a wild sweetness of passion and promise.
"Marry me," he murmured, kissing her throat. "You do want to marry me, don't you?"
"Oh, I do."
He picked her up and swung her around. "Tomorrow? Let's get married in Las Vegas tomorrow."
"You know we can't. What about Noel?"
"What about him?"
"Darling, I know you're not as tough as all that. It's bothering you, too." She sighed. "I don't know how I can bear to tell him."
"I'll tell him."
"No, I'll have to do it. If you tell him he may never forgive you.."
"You think he'll forgive you?"
"No, but you're family. You'll have to go on seeing him."
He drew her close. "I couldn't forgive you if you did it to me."
"You mean that?"
"Probably not. I could never let you go."
Hack and Kevin took to each other at once, and the conversation at dinner and throughout the evening was lively and cheerful. Hack left around eleven, promising to drop by again at the first opportunity.
"What do you want to do tomorrow?" Kevin asked when they were alone.
"How are you at mowing lawns?"
"I spent my childhood mowing lawns," he said. "Why?"
"The man who takes care of this place is on vacation and I thought we might do the gardening ourselves this week."
"You've come to the right man. I'm also handy around the house. I'm going to be a jewel of a husband."
"I know that already." She snuggled closer within his arms. "Do you think I'll be a good wife?"
"You might need a little training, but I'll try to be patient."
She giggled, and he drew her closer and kissed her. Soon his kisses became demanding, and thrusting his hand up the back of her blouse he fumbled with the fastening of her bra.
"What are you doing?" she cried. Pushing him away, she sprang to her feet. "No, Kevin. I don't intend to make that mistake again."
"Sorry," he said. "Is that a new rule?"
"A most inflexible rule."
"Okay, but I'm not made of stone, you know."
"Neither am I," she said, "but please try to hold out a little longer."
He looked at her over imaginary spectacles and spoke like a professor. "Your use of terms is a little sloppy, Miss Fuller. I'm holding On. You're the one who's holding Out." He gave her a playful poke in the ribs and they both broke into a fit of giggles, easing the tension.
"You're a nut, but I love you, she said, still giggling. "I think you'd better leave now."
"You may be right. I should save my strength for all that manual labor you've sweet-talked me into doing tomorrow."
But he made no move to go, and it was some time later before he kissed her goodnight for the last time and went home.